Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
