I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
