The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
