I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
