I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This is my gift to your gina
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
