Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
