Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
