I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize
