having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
