totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
