I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
