I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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