My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Vodka?
Forever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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