dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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