The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Someone came in the potted fern
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
