can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
