You just made me feel so damn special
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize