when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
