I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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