Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
