Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
