Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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