Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
