I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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