I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
