if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
