my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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