Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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