also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
