i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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