Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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