Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
