I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize