Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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