So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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