well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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