are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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