I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
