Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
