Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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