We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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