Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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