Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
