First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
