do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The air taste purple.
Randomize