elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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