oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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