My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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