new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
