the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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