Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
