Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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