I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
