Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
