I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize