glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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