Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
