i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
