There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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