Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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