I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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