The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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